If I am being honest, which I do my best to be always, I have to admit that December has been harder than I thought it would be. The year itself has been a terrible struggle. Everyone has their own daily stress as it is, but add the multiple hardships of 2020 and it's a personal shitstorm.
But I am the strong friend, the look at the bright side,
glass is half full,
Rainbow after the storm,
this will make us better,
we will get stronger,
it's going to be OK
friend.
This month, I didn't hold that part of my friendships up. As a matter of fact, I was that this sucks,
what the hell,
this is a nightmare,
it's never going to end,
it's only getting worse,
I hate everyone
friend.
And I don't like it. It feels like I let 2020 and its bullshit beat me down. It feels like I gave up on myself. I stopped writing, my social media posts are lackluster, I am definitely not inspiring or motivating, and even as I write this I feel quite disappointed in myself.
I have been accomplishing everything I am supposed to; Christmas decorating, planning, shopping, wrapping, cleaning, cooking, paying bills, being social, and moving along daily. But I stopped doing the extras; working out, eating clean, meditating, journaling, and really being present. I almost feel like I have been sleepwalking through life for the past month...
But, sometimes the strong, positive, motivating friend needs her own cheerleader. I have some great cheerleaders in my circle who I should have leaned on a bit more. No matter my job, my status, my education, or how strong I am... I am first just a woman. Sometimes I falter. Or feel sad. Or mad. Or feel lost. Confused. Frustrated. And Lonely.
If you have been the strong friend, the inspirer, the sun will come out tomorrow bestie, but you feel like you are slacking, tired, annoyed, or just don't have the mojo right now... do not beat yourself up.
Do not feel like something is wrong with you or that you are disappointing those around you. The people who care about you will notice, reach out, and lend support. They will become the strong friend you need, your cheerleaders. And if no one does, it's time to find new people.
I know it's been hard. I know you may be tired or feel beat down. Maybe you just need to rest. Or decompress. Whatever you are going through, however you feel, you are certainly not alone. This year has caused more damage than we are even able to wrap our heads around. I was reminded today, in a sad way, that whatever I am feeling or going through, there is someone who is feeling worse. There is someone who has fewer coping skills than I do. Less support. Less food. There is someone who has a scary health diagnosis. Or is suffering the loss of a loved one. Or is living in a broken home.
It is two days before Christmas and today I decided. I may have been struggling this month, but I intend to, as of now, pick myself back up. Even if it is in micro-bits at a time. Even if it is hard. Even if it takes a while. Today, I will cut myself some slack. The magic of Christmas, I have always believed, can create miracles. I will be the strong friend again. I am on my way back to where I belong.
